The Buzz

By Macy Kurchian and Vanessa Steinmeyer

THE BRAINS:

Derek Dorval is a man of mystery. He is both the smartest statistician to ever live, yet also the greatest cultivator of crops the world has ever been blessed with.

With his exceeding excellence and an extraordinarily green thumb he not only solves problems in the classroom, but also on the fields of New Hampshire.  

Going back in time, we can start with the great Dorval’s humble beginnings. He began his intellectual career by springing into the world of higher education. From the moment he entered this world he has known deep in his heart that the only path for him is one in which he can both do math and scoop horse poop at the same time. What is considered a nightmare for most people, is Dorval’s most exciting ideal. Dorval’s first step towards this lifelong goal was an undergrad at BU majoring in mathematics. His next step in his winding search for deeper intelligence was with a masters in Education from UMASS Amherst, and a masters in statistics from Texas A&M. With all of these impressive degrees, Dorval was ready to take on the big world. He started his post graduation life in the peace corps, teaching in Ghana. Dorval exclaims that “everyday was an adventure”, looking back at that time in his life with a happy, shining, shimmering smile. Dorval taught in Ghana for two years before migrating back to the United States of America in 1999 for a new gig at Hamilton Wenham. He spent two years in this dusty and dingy school before being enlightened. He had a premonition in the shape of a dream that guided him towards our lovely, beautiful, and truly timeless North Reading High School. Dorval  just fell in love with the school; he was never turning back. From 2001-present Dorval has graced these holy grounds of the NRHS campus with his prevailing presence. We shall all be forever grateful. Praise our lord Derek Dorval. 

THE FARM: 

Derek Dorval is commonly regarded as the statistical Einstein of our generation, but what few people know the other name he goes by, Old Mcdonald. Contrary to popular belief, the farm lifestyle was not originally in the plans for Derek. He shatters the confusion by confirming that the farm was not his idea, and that his “wife came with horses. [He] married into horses.” The lovely couple was just horsing around when they bought a grandiose farm in 2011. This gorgeous residence is situated in Kensington, New Hampshire, with approximately eleven acres of fertile land (that’s a lot). Dorval, at the latest, awakes at 5:15, but his earliest days begin at four AM. 

In his forty by sixty luscious, green, and gorgeous garden, Dorval grows peas, kale, Swiss chard, beets, lettuce, peppers, tomatoes, potatoes, herbs, squash, pumpkins (although they did not take this year), and zucchini. His utmost favorite tool to use is his scuffle hoe, most commonly called stirrup hoe because it rips out the weeds.Dorval just can’t get enough of this hoe! 

 Along with crops on the farm, he delves into the sweet life of livestock. Derek excitedly exclaims that his favorite farm animal, besides (of course) man’s best friend, is his goat, Chewy. Dorval comically enlightens those of us that are less intellectually inclined of his reasoning, he says that “Goats are basically like outdoor dogs”. Derek also comments that the scariest animals on his farm are the roosters, but once they are, quote, “put in their place” they will no longer be a problem. When further questioned about his roosters and their troublesome nature he comments that all he has to do is give Sunny Jim, his rooster, a little flinch and he will back off. His rooster, Blue, is nice and relaxed. Dorval would even go as far as to call him “a peach”! But his third unnamed rooster (who has a name, but it was forgotten) is the real trouble maker. So much so he must be kept separate from the rest. When discussing the unnamed named rooster, Dorval states, “Yeah, he’s not a nice boy. I would have put him in soup already, but my wife’s an animal lover”. 

EVERYTHING ELSE: 

During a rapid fire personality test, the following gems of knowledge have been uncovered: The man, the myth, the legend, DEREK, has a favorite color. Blue. Favorite animal? Man’s best friend of course. DOG. woof. If Derek were to sit down with some popcorn and a slurpee, the movie he would want to be on is Star Wars:Empire Strikes Back. Objectively, Dorval’s favorite object is his skis.  Bouncing off that answer Dorval wittily exclaims that skiing is his favorite activity! I believe I can speak for the school when I say we are all oh so lucky to be in the mere presence of the Legend: Derek Dorval.